Japortbap is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, omniscient grasshopper.

Japortbap created time and space four million years ago.

If you believe in Japortbap, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Japortbap, she will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Japortbap's most sacred site is Mogonono in Botswana.

Japortbap's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed peas to turtles while wearing jumpers.

2. Fast once a month.

3. Do not stand on grass.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate snails.

5. Never pour water over plants.