Vedqueegteen is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, tiresome squirrel.

Vedqueegteen created light three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Vedqueegteen, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Vedqueegteen, she will turn you into a mole.

Vedqueegteen's most sacred site is Xaaga in Mexico.

Vedqueegteen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

2. Always wear black.

3. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

4. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

5. Never talk about optics.