Kem is a god.

He takes the form of a four thousand metre long, vain salamander.

Kem created a down quark nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Kem, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Kem, he will turn you into a hamster.

Kem's most sacred site is Daraina in Madagascar.

Kem's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about solid mechanics.

2. Aardvarks are not to be trusted.

3. Hide from cyan nematodes for they are unholy.

4. Always pray immersed in water.

5. Never feed spinach to tortoises while wearing stockings.