Gupvolzakhon is a god.

She takes the form of a six thousand metre long, slow goblin.

Gupvolzakhon created carbon four million years ago.

If you believe in Gupvolzakhon, she will be happy.

If you do not believe in Gupvolzakhon, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Gupvolzakhon's most sacred site is Aimala in Finland.

Gupvolzakhon's Holy Commandments

1. Never paint your feet brown.

2. Never wear hats.

3. Never eat wheat.

4. Run away if three bats approach from the north.

5. Never talk about fire.