Gomspagbem Quimquammig is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely small, stupid jaguar.

Gomspagbem Quimquammig created snails four billion years ago.

If you believe in Gomspagbem Quimquammig, he will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Gomspagbem Quimquammig, he will turn you into an amoeba.

Gomspagbem Quimquammig's most sacred site is Tatul in Bulgaria.

Gomspagbem Quimquammig's Holy Commandments

1. Never look at stars.

2. Never feed corn to foxes while wearing green skirts.

3. Learn three new languages a year.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Gomspagbem Quimquammig loves snails, so they must be honoured.