Ponwikgan is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, grumpy gorilla.

Ponwikgan created Europe seven million years ago.

If you believe in Ponwikgan, he will celebrate by creating some galaxies.

If you do not believe in Ponwikgan, he will jump up and down on your head.

Ponwikgan's most sacred site is Aguaruto in Mexico.

Ponwikgan's Holy Commandments

1. Feed all hungry voles.

2. Never talk about optics.

3. Ponwikgan must be the most important thing in your life.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Never eat peanuts.