Quagkappanzen is a god.

It takes the form of a blubbery, selfish mole.

Quagkappanzen created a bottom quark four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Quagkappanzen, it will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Quagkappanzen, it will refuse to believe in you.

Quagkappanzen's most sacred site is Aguaruto in Mexico.

Quagkappanzen's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Respect your elders.

3. Never run in holy places.

4. Retreat if seven great tits approach from the south.

5. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Quagkappanzen.