Hogzoglan is a god.

He takes the form of a huge, conceited aardvark.

Hogzoglan created a Higgs boson five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hogzoglan, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Hogzoglan, he will turn you into a dog.

Hogzoglan's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Hogzoglan's Holy Commandments

1. Do not trade with those who eat onions.

2. Always make sure there are no grasshopers in a room before entering it.

3. Never think about optics.

4. Learn seven new languages a year.

5. Erect a giant zinc sculpture of Hogzoglan in the centre of the settlement.