Figteenran is a god.

She takes the form of a giant, egotistical unicorn.

Figteenran created an up quark nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Figteenran, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Figteenran, she will not care.

Figteenran's most sacred site is Chettipet in India.

Figteenran's Holy Commandments

1. Never look at nebulae.

2. Never eat bark.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Figteenran.

4. Retreat if nine dolphins approach from the west.

5. Always treat monkeys with great respect.