Tonkarmjin is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, unfair octopus.

Tonkarmjin created the Black Eye Galaxy three thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tonkarmjin, she will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Tonkarmjin, she will turn you into a tree.

Tonkarmjin's most sacred site is Daraina in Madagascar.

Tonkarmjin's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about quantum gravity.

2. Draw representations of moons on the walls of your dwelling place.

3. Always make sure there are no cats in a building before entering it.

4. Do not kill monkeys.

5. Do not keep four doves in a large pit.