Jophogxinwap is a god.

He takes the form of an enormous, fast gorilla.

Jophogxinwap created humankind four billion years ago.

If you believe in Jophogxinwap, he will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Jophogxinwap, he will remove you from existence.

Jophogxinwap's most sacred site is Bogogobo in Botswana.

Jophogxinwap's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about quantum field theory.

2. Learn three new languages a year.

3. Do not kill gulls.

4. Hide from mauve hamsters for they are unholy.

5. Jophogxinwap must be the most important thing in your life.