Lancatsom is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely fat, selfish dove.

Lancatsom created a strange quark five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Lancatsom, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Lancatsom, she will say rude things about you at parties.

Lancatsom's most sacred site is Ylike in Finland.

Lancatsom's Holy Commandments

1. Respect your elders.

2. Always pray in complete darkness.

3. Lancatsom loves sheep, so they must be honoured.

4. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Lancatsom.

5. Do not kill swans.