Nulnaksag Gemham is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly large, happy crab.

Nulnaksag Gemham created a top quark three thousand years ago.

If you believe in Nulnaksag Gemham, she will be happy.

If you do not believe in Nulnaksag Gemham, she will turn you into a rock.

Nulnaksag Gemham's most sacred site is Omaweneno in Botswana.

Nulnaksag Gemham's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if three aardvarks approach from the east.

2. Show mercy to disobedient children.

3. Always treat whales with great respect.

4. Never play with disobedient children.

5. Never look in ponds.