Bidlantan is a god.

He takes the form of a slender, dishonest rhinoceros.

Bidlantan created humankind two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Bidlantan, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Bidlantan, he will send two she bears to sort you out.

Bidlantan's most sacred site is Ifaty in Madagascar.

Bidlantan's Holy Commandments

1. Walk at least six thousand metres per day.

2. Never hurt voles.

3. Do not wear mauve clothing.

4. Always make sure there are no monkeys in a building before entering it.

5. Put Bidlantan first in all things.