Timvogken Kadnuttgen is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, merciful octopus.

Timvogken Kadnuttgen created viruses nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Timvogken Kadnuttgen, she will celebrate by creating some planets.

If you do not believe in Timvogken Kadnuttgen, she will destroy your favourite dwarf planet.

Timvogken Kadnuttgen's most sacred site is Cusihuiriachi in Mexico.

Timvogken Kadnuttgen's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about fire.

2. Always take life seriously.

3. Never bounce in the presence of foxes.

4. Never mention otters.

5. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.