Raparmtonvonk is a god.

He takes the form of a very fat, charitable walrus.

Raparmtonvonk created a charm quark four million years ago.

If you believe in Raparmtonvonk, he will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Raparmtonvonk, he will turn you into a sheep.

Raparmtonvonk's most sacred site is Wukan in China.

Raparmtonvonk's Holy Commandments

1. Rats are not to be trusted.

2. Always help sick tortoises.

3. Never eat bark.

4. Respect your elders.

5. Do not cook food in pots.