Quimzagbarnsom is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, ruthless alligator.

Quimzagbarnsom created the Sombrero Galaxy six million years ago.

If you believe in Quimzagbarnsom, she will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Quimzagbarnsom, she will boil you in a big pot.

Quimzagbarnsom's most sacred site is Katteri in India.

Quimzagbarnsom's Holy Commandments

1. Never bounce in holy places.

2. Do not shave your arms.

3. Quimzagbarnsom loves sheep, so they must be respected.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Do not cook food in pots.