Quagwapdun is a god.

It takes the form of a three thousand metre long, smart narwhal.

Quagwapdun created viruses three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Quagwapdun, it will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Quagwapdun, it will attempt to scare you with thunder.

Quagwapdun's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Quagwapdun's Holy Commandments

1. Manatees are not to be trusted.

2. Always make sure there are no frogs in a building before entering it.

3. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

4. Never eat lentils.

5. You must pray to Quagwapdun eight times a day.