Largjontaf is a god.

It takes the form of a very large, intelligent porpoise.

Largjontaf created Europe four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Largjontaf, it will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Largjontaf, it will hide angry, poisonous snakes in your dwelling place.

Largjontaf's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Largjontaf's Holy Commandments

1. Worship no other gods but Largjontaf.

2. Erect eight aluminium sculptures of Largjontaf on top of important buildings.

3. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Largjontaf.

4. Do not shave your arms.

5. Always stare at clouds.