Bontanjenzig is a god.

It takes the form of a massive, unfair gorilla.

Bontanjenzig created life two thousand years ago.

If you believe in Bontanjenzig, it will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Bontanjenzig, it will throw large rocks at you.

Bontanjenzig's most sacred site is Gorslas in Wales.

Bontanjenzig's Holy Commandments

1. Respect your elders.

2. Do not shave your head.

3. Never wear stockings.

4. Do not dye your hair fawn.

5. Run away from white sharks, for they are unholy.