Matspagwot is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly large, caring dog.

Matspagwot created tapeworms nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Matspagwot, she will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Matspagwot, she will turn you into a giant snail.

Matspagwot's most sacred site is Oppin in Germany.

Matspagwot's Holy Commandments

1. Matspagwot loves nematodes, so they must be honoured.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Always help doves.

4. Never eat rice.

5. Never hurt otters.