Batjapmid is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, tiresome lion.

Batjapmid created snails three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Batjapmid, he will be happy.

If you do not believe in Batjapmid, he will throw large rocks at you.

Batjapmid's most sacred site is Alyki in Greece.

Batjapmid's Holy Commandments

1. Always obey Batjapmid's priests.

2. Never write about the inheritance of acquired characteristics.

3. You must pray to Batjapmid seven times a day.

4. Your children must be taught to worship Batjapmid.

5. Do not listen to heathen tongues.