Yattartjen is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, humorless crocodile.

Yattartjen created Europe five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Yattartjen, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Yattartjen, she will turn you into a giant slug.

Yattartjen's most sacred site is Brechfa in Wales.

Yattartjen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear cyan clothing.

2. Yattartjen loves frogs, so they must be honoured.

3. Do not cook food in pots.

4. Never think about the strong nuclear force.

5. Put Yattartjen first in all things.