Somsagtalfub is a god.

It takes the form of a very fat, stupid cow.

Somsagtalfub created humankind eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Somsagtalfub, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Somsagtalfub, it will ignore you.

Somsagtalfub's most sacred site is Qangwa in Botswana.

Somsagtalfub's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink water in magenta rooms.

2. Hide from fawn snakes for they are unholy.

3. Never eat bark.

4. Always wear yellow.

5. Never talk about cell theory.