Monjapnurtmil is a god.

She takes the form of a massive, selfish gorilla.

Monjapnurtmil created a bottom quark six billion years ago.

If you believe in Monjapnurtmil, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Monjapnurtmil, she will send two she bears to sort you out.

Monjapnurtmil's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Monjapnurtmil's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear yellow clothing.

2. Do not dye your hair indigo.

3. Never eat bark.

4. Never go into pink rooms.

5. Always help whales in need.