Quartlak is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, happy cat.

Quartlak created a photon seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Quartlak, she will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Quartlak, she will destroy your home planet.

Quartlak's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Quartlak's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about the strong nuclear force.

2. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

3. Always stare at clouds.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate mites.

5. Fast once a month.