Jopkomquag Fliglamkem is a god.

It takes the form of a rotund, humorless monkey.

Jopkomquag Fliglamkem created snails three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Jopkomquag Fliglamkem, it will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Jopkomquag Fliglamkem, it will hide angry, poisonous snakes in your dwelling place.

Jopkomquag Fliglamkem's most sacred site is Corsock in Scotland.

Jopkomquag Fliglamkem's Holy Commandments

1. Run away if nine great tits approach from the west.

2. Show mercy to disobedient children.

3. Respect your elders.

4. Never write about chromosomes.

5. Never run near snails.