Hivtarhab Hansanveen is a god.

He takes the form of a small, dishonourable turtle.

Hivtarhab Hansanveen created the Cigar Galaxy eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hivtarhab Hansanveen, he will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Hivtarhab Hansanveen, he will turn you into a puffin.

Hivtarhab Hansanveen's most sacred site is Oitti in Finland.

Hivtarhab Hansanveen's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about tortoises.

2. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

3. Always treat hamsters with great respect.

4. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Run away from pink sharks, for they are unholy.