Quartwipgep is a god.

It takes the form of a planet-sized, loving monkey.

Quartwipgep created Mount Everest nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Quartwipgep, it will approve.

If you do not believe in Quartwipgep, it will make you grow a tail.

Quartwipgep's most sacred site is Buskerud in Norway.

Quartwipgep's Holy Commandments

1. Put Quartwipgep first in all things.

2. Never hurt great tits.

3. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

4. Never paint your chest fawn.

5. Never think about quantum gravity near snakes while wearing orange shoes and balancing five nickel spheres on your legs.