Yarlquatlin is a god.

He takes the form of a six hundred metre long, witless shrew.

Yarlquatlin created Europe six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Yarlquatlin, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Yarlquatlin, he will turn you into a giant snail.

Yarlquatlin's most sacred site is Panayadikuppam in India.

Yarlquatlin's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

3. Do not chant in public.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Erect eight zinc sculptures of Yarlquatlin on top of important buildings.