Zoghonwot Bedsagmig is a god.

She takes the form of a minute, deceitful monkey.

Zoghonwot Bedsagmig created a quark eight million years ago.

If you believe in Zoghonwot Bedsagmig, she will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Zoghonwot Bedsagmig, she will send five hundred and sixty eight geese to peck you to death.

Zoghonwot Bedsagmig's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Zoghonwot Bedsagmig's Holy Commandments

1. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Zoghonwot Bedsagmig.

2. Never laugh near mites.

3. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

4. Never talk about evolution by means of natural selection.

5. Erect a giant mauve sculpture of Zoghonwot Bedsagmig in the centre of the settlement.