Tarpveenbemster is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely thin, conceited dolphin.

Tarpveenbemster created Mount Everest seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tarpveenbemster, he will give you the power of flight.

If you do not believe in Tarpveenbemster, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Tarpveenbemster's most sacred site is Bodieve in England.

Tarpveenbemster's Holy Commandments

1. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

2. Retreat if seven aardvarks approach from the west.

3. Fast once a month.

4. Never write about the strong nuclear force.

5. Never eat bark.