Vedkinloop is a god.

He takes the form of a blubbery, confident cat.

Vedkinloop created snails eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Vedkinloop, he will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Vedkinloop, he will turn you into a puffin.

Vedkinloop's most sacred site is Pandamatenga in Botswana.

Vedkinloop's Holy Commandments

1. Always make sure there are no foxes in a building before entering it.

2. Do not make images of living things.

3. Erect a giant aluminium sculpture of Vedkinloop in the centre of the settlement.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Never look at black holes.