Quaffetflat is a god.

It takes the form of a six thousand metre long, annoying dugong.

Quaffetflat created carbon three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Quaffetflat, it will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Quaffetflat, it will turn you into a plant.

Quaffetflat's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Quaffetflat's Holy Commandments

1. Always wear turquoise.

2. Run away from fawn porpoises, for they are unholy.

3. Never eat bark.

4. You must pray to Quaffetflat five times a day.

5. Never feed lots of nuts to birds while wearing brown shorts.