Mettapcam is a god.

She takes the form of a plump, unsympathetic hare.

Mettapcam created Mount Everest eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Mettapcam, she will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Mettapcam, she will destroy your favourite solar system.

Mettapcam's most sacred site is Littoinen in Finland.

Mettapcam's Holy Commandments

1. Show mercy to disobedient children.

2. Never go into magenta rooms.

3. Hide if six great tits approach from the west.

4. Always wear yellow.

5. Always make a point of helping unfortunate voles.