Quagortgum is a god.

It takes the form of a chunky, pitiless giraffe.

Quagortgum created a Higgs boson eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Quagortgum, it will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Quagortgum, it will jump up and down on your head.

Quagortgum's most sacred site is Issigeac in France.

Quagortgum's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

2. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

3. Never think about horizontal gene transfer.

4. Do not covet oxen.

5. Never think about special relativity near snails while wearing indigo boots and balancing nine nickel spheres on your feet.