Arfquaffab is a god.

He takes the form of a four hundred metre long, intelligent tapir.

Arfquaffab created dark energy eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Arfquaffab, he will not care.

If you do not believe in Arfquaffab, he will jump up and down fuming with rage.

Arfquaffab's most sacred site is Syndendro in Greece.

Arfquaffab's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from indigo swans for they are unholy.

2. Put Arfquaffab first in all things.

3. Erect a giant copper sculpture of Arfquaffab in the centre of the settlement.

4. Do not speak about corn.

5. Never feed parsnips to great tits while wearing stockings.