Jarnvonkquag is a god.

He takes the form of a microscopic, impressive alligator.

Jarnvonkquag created viruses eight million years ago.

If you believe in Jarnvonkquag, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Jarnvonkquag, he will torture you forever.

Jarnvonkquag's most sacred site is Wukan in China.

Jarnvonkquag's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about archaea.

2. Erect eight nickel sculptures of Jarnvonkquag on top of important buildings.

3. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

4. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

5. Never hurt sharks.