Fembetmid is a god.

She takes the form of a thin, pitiless narwhal.

Fembetmid created a charm quark six billion years ago.

If you believe in Fembetmid, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Fembetmid, she will turn you into a snail.

Fembetmid's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Fembetmid's Holy Commandments

1. You must love Fembetmid.

2. Always take life seriously.

3. Always make sure there are no dolphins in a building before entering it.

4. Do not run in public.

5. Always make a point of helping unfortunate manatees.