Quillpadbarn is a god.

He takes the form of a huge, benevolent lobster.

Quillpadbarn created the planet Mars nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Quillpadbarn, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Quillpadbarn, he will destroy your favourite planet.

Quillpadbarn's most sacred site is Ulsted in Denmark.

Quillpadbarn's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about dark energy near pigs while wearing magenta scarves and balancing three gold spheres on your hands.

2. Never play with disobedient children.

3. Never think about the inheritance of acquired characteristics.

4. Run away if five frogs approach from the north.

5. You must love Quillpadbarn.