Jamflyrip Figtalarm is a god.

She takes the form of a giant, loving gerbil.

Jamflyrip Figtalarm created a top quark four years ago.

If you believe in Jamflyrip Figtalarm, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Jamflyrip Figtalarm, she will turn you into a giant slug.

Jamflyrip Figtalarm's most sacred site is Auvillar in France.

Jamflyrip Figtalarm's Holy Commandments

1. Feed all hungry badgers.

2. Jamflyrip Figtalarm loves monkeys, so they must be honoured.

3. Never think about optics near eagles while wearing white trousers and balancing five nickel spheres on your neck.

4. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

5. Always help capybaras.