Nilcempak is a god.

He takes the form of an enormous, merciless newt.

Nilcempak created light four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Nilcempak, he will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Nilcempak, he will turn you into an amoeba.

Nilcempak's most sacred site is Penpont in Scotland.

Nilcempak's Holy Commandments

1. Feed all hungry geese.

2. Nilcempak loves badgers, so they must be honoured.

3. Never talk about turtles.

4. Do not eat cherries.

5. Erect six tin sculptures of Nilcempak on top of important buildings.