Bastjopster is a god.

She takes the form of a heavy, uncaring narwhal.

Bastjopster created dark energy five billion years ago.

If you believe in Bastjopster, she will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Bastjopster, she will send five hundred and sixty eight geese to peck you to death.

Bastjopster's most sacred site is Paavola in Finland.

Bastjopster's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

2. Always pray in complete darkness.

3. Hide if six rats approach from the west.

4. Pray towards the east.

5. Never write about comets.