Zakvintab is a god.

She takes the form of a slender, self-confident newt.

Zakvintab created humankind five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Zakvintab, she will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Zakvintab, she will send you a strongly worded letter.

Zakvintab's most sacred site is Valdena in Italy.

Zakvintab's Holy Commandments

1. Always help capybaras in need.

2. Never look in ponds.

3. Retreat if nine badgers approach from the north.

4. Always stare at clouds.

5. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.