Ontzimtom is a god.

He takes the form of a rotund, idiotic deer.

Ontzimtom created water seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Ontzimtom, he will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Ontzimtom, he will curse you with boils.

Ontzimtom's most sacred site is Wukan in China.

Ontzimtom's Holy Commandments

1. Always look after injured pigs.

2. Never think ill of sick seals.

3. Do not hurt ducks.

4. Do not wear silicon on your body.

5. Show mercy to disobedient children.