Hapfetbess is a god.

He takes the form of a very heavy, prudent otter.

Hapfetbess created bats two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Hapfetbess, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Hapfetbess, he will turn you into a snail.

Hapfetbess' most sacred site is Trujillo in Spain.

Hapfetbess' Holy Commandments

1. Erect eight platinum sculptures of Hapfetbess on top of important buildings.

2. Hapfetbess loves bats, so they must be respected.

3. Never feed peas to otters while wearing green tights.

4. Do not keep five whales in a large pit.

5. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.