Quamtoffud is a god.

It takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, selfish lizard.

Quamtoffud created a top quark three billion years ago.

If you believe in Quamtoffud, it will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Quamtoffud, it will have a low opinion of you.

Quamtoffud's most sacred site is Paavola in Finland.

Quamtoffud's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from purple gulls for they are unholy.

2. Quamtoffud must be the most important thing in your life.

3. Quamtoffud loves snails, so they must be respected.

4. Never hurt dogs.

5. Fast once a month.