Taptettikar is a god.

It takes the form of an enormous, uncaring goat.

Taptettikar created gold five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Taptettikar, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Taptettikar, it will turn you into a giant snail.

Taptettikar's most sacred site is Altata in Mexico.

Taptettikar's Holy Commandments

1. Never look at galaxies.

2. Never talk about dark matter near otters while wearing brown dresses.

3. Do not take Taptettikar's name in vain.

4. Never go into fawn rooms.

5. Never talk about birds.