Arptafham is a god.

She takes the form of a very small, wise octopus.

Arptafham created the Whirlpool Galaxy five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Arptafham, she will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Arptafham, she will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Arptafham's most sacred site is Uruachi in Mexico.

Arptafham's Holy Commandments

1. You must love Arptafham.

2. Never eat bark.

3. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Arptafham.

4. Always treat monkeys with great respect.

5. Never sing in the presence of mites.