Gessbarnloop is a god.

She takes the form of a very heavy, slow fish.

Gessbarnloop created humankind six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Gessbarnloop, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Gessbarnloop, she will hide angry, poisonous snakes in your dwelling place.

Gessbarnloop's most sacred site is Hobeck in Germany.

Gessbarnloop's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about shrews.

2. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

3. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

4. Erect a giant platinum sculpture of Gessbarnloop in the centre of the settlement.

5. Never paint your back violet.